Aggression and Intrusive Thoughts
When Your Child Says Scary Things
Two summers ago, my Au-DHD son, scared me to the core. 😱
Charlie told me how he had been arguing with another child, and how his frustration had bubbled over....
Culminating in Charlie beating Gary's head against the ground, repeatedly--
hitting it over and over, against the edge of the playground's sandbox. 🏖
How could it have happened so fast??!! 🥺
I was right there! I was 10 yards away!
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I ran, to provide medical attention to Gary, but found something strange.
Gary was laughing and talking with friends. 😅
He didn't look injured, dysregulated, or dirty.
He was smiling and eating candy.
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Had Charlie given me the wrong name? 😳
I panted as I checked every child on the playground. Not one of them was distressed or hurt.
Why would Charlie lie?!! 🙊
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Well, he didn't lie. 🤔
Charlie experienced an intrusive thought--
And in that moment, the thought was so powerful, that it SCARED him, and so he came to me, for help.
Charlie needed to hear that it was OKAY for him to have BIG feelings.
He needed to be given alternative options for how to COPE with those feelings. 🧘♀️
And he needed to hear that he wasn't a BAD PERSON for wanting someone to share his frustration and pain.
So, I gave him those things. And it wouldn't be the last time. ⌚️
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Anxious folks, people with ADHD, Autism, Tourette's or OCD....
we're all PARTICULARLY vulnerable to intrusive thoughts.
Intrusive Thoughts are unpleasant ideas or images that pop into our heads,
and which we struggle
to get rid of. 🪨
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They could be things like:
*Flashbacks to embarrassing moments, or images from nightmares 😈
*Sudden fear that your teacher planned a big test today...
and you are the only one who didn't know about it, so now you will FAIL. 😫
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*Images of pushing someone off a high place....
even though you don't know them.
*Imagining you packed a banned item in your airport carry on luggage... 🛩
maybe one you don't even own.
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*Panic that your child is going to suddenly destroy all the sculptures at the Lego store...
even though they seem calm and focused on their purchase.
*Inappropriate seggsy images of relatives or teachers...
Despite not being attracted to them like that. 🚫💋
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Intrusive thoughts SUCK.
And your kid is probably having them, from time to time.
But they may not make you aware of it, the SAME way Charlie made ME aware. 🤷🤦♀️🙅♂️
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Instead, those intrusive thoughts may get tossed out in the middle or an argument or meltdown.
Your child may suddenly say, "I want to k*ll her!"
"Dad hates me!"
"I'm going to bite you, next time!" 🦷
"You'll be sorry when I call the police on you for being such a bad Mom!" 🤱
"I'll never talk to you again! You aren't my brother, anymore."
Or "Just wait until I smash the TV!"
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Ouch! Those statements can be a shock. 😳
But if these things are OUT OF CHARACTER for your child,
and if they became really dysregulated JUST before shouting them, 😖
then it is likely your child is expressing an intrusive thought, and they are reaching out to you for SUPPORT and CO-REGULATION.
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So stop punishing these Intrusive Thoughts, and instead help your child to process them. ☺️
Here are some things you could say:
"I hear how upset, you are feeling. I'm sorry. It sucks to feel that way."
"Even if you feel that way, I'm still part of your team." 👫
"That's a scary feeling, to have inside. Maybe that feeling needed to come out. Like Shrek says, 'better out than in.' " 💨
"I love you, even when your mind is full of anger and panic.
"I believe in your goodness, even when your words hurt me. I'm your biggest fan." 🏆
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A dysregulated child isn't going to become any calmer, if you yell at them or punish them for expressing themselves.
When they share their intrusive thoughts, it's an opportunity to offer them connection,
empathy,
and safety. 🧷
You want them to leave the interaction knowing that they can trust you
with their innermost thoughts.
And you will love them,
even though sometimes, weird ideas pop into their minds. 🧠
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It may even help to tell them about some of the intrusive thoughts YOU had at their age.
(Ever imagine showing up to school with no clothes?)
And if they tell you they are really struggling to let intrusive thoughts go, PLEASE see a pediatric psychiatrist.
They MAY need medication during these early years.
When the brain is constantly receiving so much novel input, so many new social experiences, and its also being impacted by waves of hormones....
then doctor prescribed medicine may help take the edge off,
freeing them up to make progress in other domains of their life, like executive functioning,
communication skills,
and academics. 📚
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Tell me about how YOUR caregivers reacted when you expressed an intrusive thought.
Mine washed my mouth out with soap or physically hurt me.
It didn't teach me how to cope with those feelings. It just taught me to hide them in my depression.
🫂 💙 🫂 💛 🫂 ❤️🫂 💚🫂
*Note: This advice is based on the following:
1) That your child does not have access to weap*ns (including f*rearms)....
2) That your child gets regular medical care from a qualified professional, and their mental health is assessed as part of that care....
3) And that caregivers are listening to educators, counselors, and doctors when they raise red flags....
plus taking immediate action to mitigate risk if their child is actually harming or seems to be planning to harm others
WHEN IN DOUBT SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP