All about the FAWN response to Trauma

And why your kid might NEED their screen, on errands

Flight, Fight, Freeze....We have all heard about these responses. But what about FAWN?

And what does this have to do, with my kid taking their tablet games to the grocery store?

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Let's start by discussing what the purpose of Fight / Flight / Freeze /Fawn, are.

They are AUTOMATIC responses triggered by the brain,

when we are faced with a situation that THREATENS us.

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What kind of threat are we talking about?

Survival!

Anything that reminds us of past TRAUMA,

and makes us feel that our very survival is under attack,

can cause a person to go into a Fight or Flight, Freeze or Fawn response.

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Does that mean, your child will only have these responses,

when faced with a flaming sword and a pit of venomous snakes? 😉

No...because it's NOT just survival of the BODY which is important!

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Our brains recognize the importance--

of getting to be our AUTHENTIC selves (without bullying or forced masking)

of feeling EMPOWERED to make our own choices (without punishment or loss of privileges)

of being able to EXIT circumstances that feel extremely uncomfortable (without an equally painful consequence)--

And lastly,

our brain knows the importance of being able to USE the SELF-REGULATION TOOLS and the CALM SPACES we know best,

in order to keep our bodies FEELING SAFE.

(without anyone obstructing the path to our Quiet Corner or preventing us from using the fidgets, screens, or headphones we rely on).

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So if your child doesn't feel SAFE, you are going to start seeing TRAUMA RESPONSES.

But you might not recognize them, at first, because they can take several forms....

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Fawning can look like extreme PEOPLE PLEASING.

A fawn-er may ignore their own NEEDS to prioritize someone else's DESIRES.

They may GIVE IN to arguments, just to avoid conflict,

and NEGLECT themselves,

putting MORE ENERGY into tracking of HOW OTHERS FEEL, than into considering their own emotions.

People who have a strong Fawn response,

often LACK BOUNDARIES in their relationships,

and they tend to struggle with SELF-IDENTITY,

because they will ADOPT other people's VALUES, just to fit in.

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In my personal opinion:

Many Neurodivergent GIRLS, WOMEN, and AFAB folks,

develop strong FAWN responses,

because we are socialized to be CAREGIVERS to others, or CODEPENDENT with others,

so we can't FLEE and leave them behind,

but we are threatened with harassment or as**ult if we FREEZE,

and we face harsher social punishments than boys if we FIGHT (thus violating gender norms).

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If your child is having a fawn response, they are INTERNALIZING a lot of their own struggle,

SUPPRESSING their pain in order to KEEP THE PEACE.

This can cause depression, anxiety, and SELF-ISOLATION (as having to spend time with other people, feels DRAINING).

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It's really important to recognize fawning in your child,

so you can VALIDATE their emotional experiences,

empower them to say NO and to SELF-ADVOCATE,

help them to set healthy BOUNDARIES,

and get them PROFESSIONAL CARE

(perhaps therapy or anti-anxiety meds, as prescribed by their physician)

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I suspect you know a fair amount about FIGHT, FLIGHT, and FREEZE.

But if you don't, feel free to ask me in the comments.

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And in the meantime, consider this:

If your child is relying on a screen to regulate/stay calm,

and you take it AWAY, or THREATEN to take it away,

is it going to HELP them feel SAFE and CALM?

Or is it going to push them into a TRAUMA RESPONSE?

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The answer is, of course, that anytime your child has become dependent on ONE thing to stay regulated

(whether it be a phone, or a baby blanket, a stuffed toy, or a pair of noise reducing headphones)

And you THREATEN their access to that one thing....

you are making them feel UNSAFE.

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So the key to MINIMIZING their DEPENDENCE on screens (or blankie, etc.) isn't to lock it up, or ground them....

The key is to HELP THEM FEEL AS SAFE AS POSSIBLE.

And that might mean taking a careful look at their triggers

and MAKING CHANGE happen at home/school, so they can feel safe more often.

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You might be the most amazing parent EVER...

but your child could still FEEL ENDANGERED by everything from

bright lights and complex noise,

or teachers getting visibly annoyed at their executive dysfunction,

and church making them feel trapped in an in-authentic gender identity...

to their hormones making the usual dopamine deficiency 10 times worse,

and Grandpa's insisting that they make eye contact when he speaks.

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Everyone deserves to feel safe

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What kinds of things help YOU to feel safe?