Facing our Demons

Learning to calm down, through Coregulation

My family tried something new, last week.....But it wasn't easy.

We had to face down our DEMONS.

(And learn to regulate big feelings)

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In order to participate in our activity, Amazing Autistic Charlie, had to wear CLOSED TOED SHOES.

Crocs were NOT allowed, on the tree-top, ziplining course.

But Charlie has Sensory issues and hasn't been able to wear sneakers in several years.

What to do 🤔....

Charlie REALLY wanted to participate. I was determined to make it happen.

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I bought some swim shoes, hoping their flexible cloth would help. Charlie refused to try them out, in advance.

We just crossed our fingers and hoped.

Did they work? Nope. 🫠😆

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Charlie felt like the swim shoes were instruments of t*rture and he wanted OUT.

But he still REALLY wanted to participate.

And he felt CHEATED by rules that didn't accomodate his disability.

(NOT gonna lie, after I paid for his ticket, I was feeling pretty cheated, too.)

So....how did we handle the situation?

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I started with calm empathy,

"Charlie, the rules suck. You are capable of keeping your Crocs on, when climbing. You do it all the time. I know how frustrated you feel. I wish the rules were different."

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I let him rage and vent, beg the employees for an exception, and kick trees.

I stayed as quiet as I could, for about 3 minutes.

Then I tried to soothe and reduce the pressure,

"Charlie, I'm not going to make you, do this activity. If you feel too uncomfortable and you want to do something else, that's okay. There are a couple of other activities on the property, and we could go check them out."

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I listened to Charlie's tirade on "wasted money," in silence.

I stood nearby, to bear witness as he hit an old stump, with his heavy metal carabiner, over and over.

I kept my face neutral. I tried not to clench my fists. I avoided eye contact.

And I tried to mask my own emotional discomfort, as my heart began beating faster, and sweat beaded on my brow.

I had to prevent myself from FLEEING from his anger.

(My own childhood experiences make it hard for me to cope with boys/men whose anger takes physical form, even if I am not in danger)

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After another 4 minutes, I closed my eyes, gently massaged them to stimulate my vagus nerve

(helping to calm my body and slow my pulse),

and I let out a long, slow breath.

I spoke in a calm, slightly quiet voice.

"Charlie. You are allowed to have big feelings. There is nothing wrong with feeling frustrated, cheated, and angry.

I want to be here, for you. But I am reaching my limit.

It's not your fault. It's just a fact.

I can only sit here and feel these big feelings with you, for a few minutes.

After that, my head starts to hurt, my heart beats fast, and I start to cry...because my body just gets too full of sadness and anger, and it overwhelms me.

So, I am going to have to walk away.

I LOVE you.

I ALSO have to walk away.

Those are just facts.

I am going to the picnic table over there. I will sit and then start to figure out how we can move forward.

When you are ready, you can join me. I am happy to wait."

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Charlie let out a strangled yell.

"Can't you just STAY with me? Come on, Mom!!"

I gave him a small smile, shook my head, then kissed his forehead.

Using a matter of fact voice, I said,

"I love you and I need to be done."

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Charlie bowed his head and kicked a stick, "Fine! I'll just... I'll...I'm....going to TRY, okay??!!"

I kept my face neutral and my voice calm,

"If that is how you want to move forward, I support your choice."

I briefly looked up at his face. It was flushed and tense

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Charlie marched up to an employee and just stood, facing him.

I saw one tear trail down his cheek, and watched him take 2 deep breaths.

Then he spoke up, "Show me what to do. I'm ready."

And he was.

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It wasn't easy for Charlie to learn all the steps involved.

He grunted, hissed, and kicked the ground a couple more times, while taking instruction.

But he completed the lesson.

And then Charlie took my hand, marched me toward a platform, and began climbing.

Soon, he was zipping through the tree canopy.

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Charlie only finished 1 course (of 12).

After that, he came to sit with me, and talked about one of his favorite topics (Antiques Roadshow) for 10 minutes before admitting to me,

"I don't think I can do anymore. I did as much as I want to do, with these shoes on my feet."

And I cheered, smiling and clapping my hands, looking him right in the eyes,

"I am so proud of you for knowing your limits and standing up for yourself. Once is perfectly fine! Let's go find some OTHER ways to have fun!"

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Charlie gave me a small smile, "You won't be upset because it cost so much to come here?"

"Nah," I shook my head, "You tried something hard and you succeeded. I'm very proud of you and I love you. That matters SO much more than stupid money."

Charlie threw the shoes into the woods and ran barefoot to return his climbing harness. Then he returned to hold my hand and walk me to the picnic table.

"Love you, Mom."

"Love you, Baby."

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And we went on, to have a lovely day.

(I didn't bother to retrieve the shoes. He needed me to validate his feelings and that was more important than $8 for shoes he would never want to wear, again.)

We did it.

By being honest.

By listening to one another.

By using our calming techniques.

By being patient.

By offering gentle support.

By remembering to work as a TEAM.

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Teamwork makes the dream work.

And self regulation starts with finding ways to keep the BODY calm.

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What does anger feel like, in your body?

Do you feel it in your chest...in your hands....in your teeth.. in your ears...

Does it make you want to run...or kick...or punch...or yell...

Does your child know how anger makes their body FEEL?

Have you tried to help them clue in, to the PHYSICAL experience of anger, so they can try to stop the process of AMPING it up?

Try to interrupt the racing pulse and loud voice and tight hands?

Tell me about how your family COPES with anger or frustration....