Helping your child feel SAFE enough to FAIL

And helping them feel SUPPORTED in success

When your kiddo is scared to FAIL, getting them to practice a new skill, can feel impossible.

A lot of ND children have trauma (or they even go into burnout)

from being constantly told that they have "gotten it wrong."

So they meltdown, when you push them to take risks....

especially if they KNOW their skills will appear "amateur" or "immature."

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Your kid wants to get it right, the first time.

They want to be aknowledged as "almost perfect" because it makes them feel SAFE,

and too often, they don't feel safe.

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I don't blame them. Nobody wants to be wrong almost ALL the time.

After all, the ND tendency to 'always get it wrong' is really just code for:

1) Not understanding the instructions because of communication differences

And

2) Supposedly "lagging behind" typical peers

because the skills society prioritizes as "essential" are the ones that come hardest to you,

EVEN if you excell in OTHER areas.

(Otherwise known as Asynchronous Development)

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In many ways, we can define being Neurodivergent, as growing up with everyone around us labeling us WRONG.

For instance, at age 7, I couldn't--

tie my shoes,

cut up meat,

put on my own gloves,

or write my name without backward facing E's

(Though of course, I do all those things fine, now)

Were my struggles interpreted as signs of my (undiagnosed) Dyspraxia, Dyslexia, and Autism?

No.

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A Pediatrician mentioned I was probably ADHD but I was "so smart it didn't matter." (Hint: it DID matter)

Meanwhile....

Peers mocked me for being clumsy.

Teachers resented having to help me.

My own parents asked me to TRY HARDER.

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And at the same time, everyone completely ignored my--

advanced pattern recognition skills,

unique engineering abilities,

strong resistance to peer pressure,

firm sense of justice,

uncanny mimicing skills,

and my unusually precise memory.

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Young NT children are expected to learn quickly, to dress themselves, feed themselves, and sign papers.

If you cannot do THOSE things, you aren't labeled "successful" and ready for academic excellence.

Even if you have skills others DON'T.

(Remember, Einstein was awesome at math, but performed poorly on language tests....

and his teachers were often annoyed by things like his inability to match his socks and to conform to social norms.

Would we still recognize his genius today, with our inflexible standards?

Would we recognize it, if he were aknowledged to be Dyslexic and Autistic, or would we write him off as a savant?

You can be SMART AS HECK and still be considered 'slow and weird' by your peers)

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As an ND child, I couldn't articulate this....

but some part of me KNEW that the things I struggled with, were never just going to come easy, by simply FOCUSING.

My brain lacked many typical bi-lateral connections.

My body lacked the core muscle strength needed to engage fine motor skills.

For ME, accomplishing those same tasks NT kids could do with "a little focus," required me to lean over furniture or squat on my heels

(to support my core)

and to stick my tongue out

( because activating that part of my brain also activated the spoken language center, causing a motor overflow reflex).

When I did this, I drooled and looked uncomfortable... and peers TEASED ME.

So, I quickly developed an aversion to performing any task that I could not instantly succeed at...

Knowing those tasks were going to

A) Waste my time with things that were difficult and uninteresting

B) Probably going to get me teased or stared at

C) Result in adults dismissing my struggles and taking over if I didn't match their pace

And

D) FAIL to make use of my SKILLS.

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So, what can YOU do to help your ND child develop some of those lagging skills?

1) Back off and stop pressuring them.

What is age appropriate for others may NOT be age appropriate for your ND kid.

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2) Use tools and shortcuts.

Accessibility isn't just about wheelchairs and hearing aides.

It can be anything that helps make things easier!

Shoe lace grippers

Velcro clothes fasteners

Bouncey bands for chairs

Calculators

Weighted pencils

Talk to Type Software

Personalized name stamps

Felt tipped pens

Sitting backwards in chairs, so the chair backs bolster core abdominal muscles

Pencil grippers

Keyboards

Clipboards

Headphones

Screen readers

Guided Reading Strips

Weighted lap pads

Adaptive fonts

Rocker knives

Sunglasses

Two Color shoelaces

Lesson outlines

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3) Consider getting a Occupational Therapy evaluation.

OT's can be really good at figuring out what muscle groups need strengthening before a skill is even POSSIBLE.

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4) Let your kids see YOU struggle

So often, caregivers present themselves as omniscient authorities.

But kids may benefit MORE from a leader who has experienced hardships

and who is brave enough to talk about their struggle and the accomodations they use to persist.

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5) Prioritize opportunities for kiddos to succeed and SHINE.

So, if you have 20 min and you really want to help them practice a skill...

Let them demonstrate a skill they already HAVE and ENJOY for 10 minutes,

then practice the NEW skill for 5 minutes,

then spend 5 minutes helping them find a FUN and ENJOYABLE way to scaffold some skills or try out different accomodations.

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Example:

Dora has trouble buttoning and snapping shirts.

Dora really likes Dinosaurs.

Mom encourages Dora to choose some of her favorite stuffed Dinos to come to a tea party

Mom then presents some baby shirts and onesies to dress the Dinosaurs in.

She shows Dora how to dress the Dinosaurs.

She invites Dora to help her dress them...maybe even working cooperatively on the same outfit.

Over 5 minutes, Dora manages 2 snaps and 1 button.

Mom does the rest and thanks Dora for doing such a great job, helping.

They have tea and cookies with the dinosaurs.

Mom asks Dora if she would like to use tiny tongs to drop sugar cubes into the tea cups. (Its a fine motor skill that can help build muscles).

They have fun. Dora is learning. Nobody is upset.

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You've got this.

Help them to feel safe in failure and supported in success....

Give their brain and body a chance to catch up and CONNECT....

And you won't regret it.