When You'll Try Anything....
Why Letting Your ND Child Postpone Vacuuming And Cheat At Games,
Might Help Them Calm Down And Clean Their Room
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Take a deep breath. I'm gonna take you back in time.... ⏰️
You are in 7th grade gym class.
The teacher wants you to climb a rope, in front of your classmates.
You are 95% sure that this is not going to go smoothly. It's awkward. YOU are awkward.
You have never climbed a rope. You are clenching your teeth, and sweating in front of your crush.
You are terrified that clenching your abdominal muscles is going to make you break wind.
If you get rope burns on your palms, it's gonna be hard to play your band instrument, in fourth period.
And even if you don't humiliate yourself, the experience won't be enjoyable.
You have been put on the spot and you will never want to feel like this, again.
Your likelihood of taking another gym class, willingly, has just plummeted.
And you resent your gym teacher with a passion, that burns hot in the pit of your stomach.
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For ND kids, experiences like this happen DAILY,
and almost CONSTANTLY.
Adults are always telling them to complete tasks which feel
awkward,
uncomfortable,
or downright impossible.
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Neurodivergent kids have to tackle SCHOOL challenges like:
*group projects with peers who openly dislike them
*slowing down their speech for teachers, (which makes it hard to keep their racing thoughts from veering off course)
*tuning out overwhelming noises, smells, and lights
*being forced into physical positions that fail to reinforce core muscles (making it difficult to use a pencil)
*having their freedom to move, restricted (preventing the fidgeting and stimming necessary for emotional regulation)
*being made to adopt a sleep schedule (which works AGAINST their circadian rythym)
*and being expected to perform masking (or else be labeled "anti-social")
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As if that weren't enough to cope with on a daily basis....
Most of the time, caregivers will assign extra HOME challenges,
wanting growing ND kids to CONTRIBUTE to the household or LEARN how to get along with siblings.
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To be clear--
It's NOT unreasonable to want ND kids to participate in home life....
but it IS unreasonable to not SUPPORT them and COREGULATE with them during their participation...
And the truth is, too often, we parents fail at that,
because we are tired,
operating on auto-pilot,
and forgetting just how hard it is for ND kids to develop ROUTINES when they lack strong WORKING MEMORY.
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Parents don't think of chores as dysregulating but they can be!
.... Particularly when added to a day of masking or "after school restraint collapse."
And so I'm here to tell you that:
REDUCING DEMANDS DURING THE SCHOOl YEAR/WEEK
AND PROVIDING SUPPORT FOR HOME ROUTINES/CHORES
IS NOT PANDERING TO OR SPOILING YOUR KIDS.
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Remember, ND kids don't need to toughen up.
ND kids need to learn how to stay well regulated, physically and emotionally.
And constant struggle, is NOT how you teach kids to stay regulated.
NOBODY learns to
stay calm,
think clearly, and
keep their hands to themselves,
in the middle of unending crisis.
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You teach regulation when things are going WELL.
You help kids develop self-regulation skills by giving them opportunities to explore,
with LOW or NO RISK of failure.
And sometimes that means MANUFACTURING opportunities for success....
or in simple language, "letting them WIN."
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When our ND kids win the game we just taught them,
it doesn't take away from the VALUE of the experience and it doesn't make them weak.
Instead it:
*Helps get their brain out fight or flight
*Opens up communication skills
*Builds social and literacy skills
*Improves hand-eye coordination
*Enhances patience and concentration
*Helps improve their visual and working memory
*Helps them process emotions safely
*And encourages their creativity
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So who's going to teach them that they can't always win?
Life will. Peers will. Siblings will. School will. Even PETS will.
Believe me, they aren't going to make it to adulthood with the belief that life is smooth sailing.
But it's not YOUR job to reinforce that particular lesson.
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Your job is to build resilience by INSULATING their brain from the excessive stress they experience every day.
And how do you do that?
You make learning fun...
You make interacting and communicating a rewarding experience
You help them to FEEL Successful
You let them POSTPONE activities that would "break the camel's back," if they can be safely postponed until a better time....
And you create opportunities for your child to feel SAFE and HAPPY
so their brains can receive dopamine and serotonin.
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Your job is to lose at Sonic and show them that losing isn't the end of the world,
And to let them change the rules of Battleship so they can sink you.
To let them off of lawn mowing duty during the weeks leading up to Midterm exams,
And to accept that they won't wash the dishes until Saturday, because Thursday they had a math test and Friday they had a substitute teacher.
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Build up their confidence and their desire to PLAY and COMMUNICATE WITH YOU.
Play is how kids LEARN!
And the working memory you are trying to help them develop,
is going to flourish most when they feel ACCEPTED regardless of their ability to contribute when life feels OVERWHELMING.
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Question For You:
Do you feel like your Loved Ones value you, for MORE than just your Labor/Contributions?
Or do you feel like you have to WORK HARD to EARN their love?
🩷🧡💚🤎💙🩶❤️
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*Reader Note:
With game play....
Does this mean ND kids should be allowed to constantly change game rules with peers or siblings?
No.
Unless the sibling is old enough/mature enough to be unbothered by the experience.
Games should be 1 on 1, between your ND child and an emotionally mature adult,
until they have developed enough genuine familiarity and skill with the game, to feel comfortable to risk losing (and that could take weeks, months, or years).
Remember, kids learn best through play but ALSO learn best when they feel EMPOWERED.
When you are working with an ND kid, their STARTING point is in the self-worth/empowerment BANKRUPT zone.
They are starting Monopoly with almost nothing in the bank.
Expecting them to buy Boardwalk, build hotels, and get ahead,
without a few scholarships, loans, and a couple of get-out-of-jail-free cards, just isn't realistic.
Beautifully said!