Why Your Kid Hates It When You Notice Them

And how getting chores done, becomes impossible

Our kids deserve the best version of us.

But often,

we treat acquaintances, much better than we treat our own family members.

Why is that?

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Is it just that life follows the old adage....

"familiarity breeds contempt?" 🙄

Is it because we put higher expectations on our loved ones, than our coworkers?

I don't know.

What I DO know, is that when an acquaintance calls my name, "Hey, Elspeth, come here!"

I don't flinch.

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But when my Authoritarian PARENTS call my name,

"Elspeth! Do you have a minute?"

I grit my teeth, anticipating a demand....

knowing they will ALWAYS want something from me, that might be uncomfortable to accomplish.

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The thing is, your kids probably feel the same way when you call THEIR names.

They probably grit their teeth or roll their eyes....because MOST of the time, when you call them, it's because they need to--

Perform a chore

Apologize to someone

Prepare for a difficult task

Comply with meds or meals

Wash hair or brush teeth

Leave their safe space

Go somewhere they don't want to go

And all those things trigger a drop in dopamine and a rise in stress.

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The thing is, we DO have to put DEMANDS on our children.

So I'm not going to tell you to stop encouraging them

to pack their backpack,

brush their hair,

and pick up their Lego.

What I am going to say is more subtle....

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Its that you need to change HOW you put demands on your kids,

and think about WHEN you put demands on your kids ,

and WHO you expect them to turn to, for help.

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Let's start with HOW:

In many kids

(particularly ones who are anxious, PDA, or have trauma)

calling their name to SUMMON them for a demand, is really triggering.

It often gets to a point where kids feel triggered just by being PERCEIVED,

because the ONLY time their presence is really aknowledged is when caregivers want them to DO something..... Probably something they find unpleasant.

(Example: "Lindsay! I need you to take the trash out before dinner!")

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As a result, these kids hide

in their rooms,

under their sweatshirt hoods,

behind sunglasses,

or in corners.

They DON'T WANT TO BE SEEN, because to be seen is to be IMPOSED on.

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So, instead of calling them away from their safe spaces to "do their chores", try this:

Try to get them to spend more time with you, WITHOUT demands,

just feeling safe in communal spaces like the living room or dining area.

Or encourage them to welcome you into their bedroom

(This might take time.

You might have to offer to body double them with redecorating or offer to let them watch a forbidden movie together,

to get them over their misgivings at allowing you into their safe space)

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Then, once a week or two has gone by with REDUCED DEMANDS,

wait until they have been sharing a space with you for a while,

and wait YOU have done something recently, to meet THEIR needs,

(such as feeding them a meal, helping them locate shoes, playing a game with them)

And THEN, add a small demand to a transition, preferably without using their name....

(For instance-- *gentle shoulder pat to get attention*

"When you're all done eating, I would love help with bringing up the laundry.")

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Don't make it a big deal....don't order them or guilt them...

be a bit indirect, if they can read verbal cues...

And just assert what you would like to see happen.

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If they DON'T rise to the occasion, try with something else, in a bit.

Don't judge them or yell.

Remember, your goal is to build a TEAMWORK mentality....and to aknowledged that some tasks feel overwhelming for them, at this present moment.

That's how you SCAFFOLD their ability to cope with demands.

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Now let's talk about WHEN you put demands on your kids.

Your instinct is probably to make demands as things occur to you,

or as you are preparing to take a rest (so that you don't anticipate mental/emotional labor in the near future).

The thing is.... your kids need you to be mindful about WHEN you make demands.

You have to get them in a good(ish) mood, first.

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Spend time with them, invite info dumps on their video games or school drama, do something fun together--

make them feel SEEN and VALUED, regardless of their contributions.

THEN, when you put a demand on them, it's not so jarring.

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Once you have spent, low pressure QUALITY time with them,

their Dopamine is higher,

their defenses are down,

and they feel supported.

I see this method a lot on Bluey...using play and connection to bridge the gap!

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It also matters what mood YOU are in, when you are making demands.

Anxious kids don't want to be around stressed adults!

So if you need to take a 30 min rest after dinner, BEFORE tackling a chore like making lunches for the next day... do it!

Take the rest so you don't growl and bicker with resentment.

As "they" say, put on your own oxygen mask, first

Then find a way to engage your child in the demand with a little fun.

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For instance you can use a sweet nickname to invite warm feelings into the mix, and turn a chore into a game....

"Hey Honey-pie, I just finished the new season of Bob's Burgers and it was hilarious.

The lunchboxes need to get packed for tomorrow and I was thinking you might enjoy helping me prank your brother with a funny theme for his sandwich.

Let's see what ingredients we have so we can come up with a silly name. I'm thinking of adding a Pony toy to the lunchbox, too."

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Ensure that demands aren't always things they find overwhelming or boring, and have to do, alone.

Make at LEAST a third of demands, an overture for PLAY you can engage in, together!

Ask them to help

make Jello molds,

decorate for holidays,

sort crayons by color,

paint signs for a protest,

repot plants,

help repair the vacuum cleaner,

measure for curtains--

things you don't necessarily need a kid to help with....but that a kid would ENJOY helping with.

Because it will help your child to build a positive relationship with demands.

And it will help them to feel the scales balanced, when they can say NO, to something silly,

before you put a more essential demand on them (like showering).

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Finally, recognize that your child may not be capable of responding to demands on their own, without having emotional meltdowns.

Show them that you are willing to help them with tasks, by

body doubling them (keeping them company),

giving hands on support,

or by offering gentle cues.

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In showing them WHO is there to build them up without judgement or yelling,

you are again, feeding into the sense that they are part of a family TEAM,

and that they don't have to struggle alone.

Knowing this, will reduce the (triggering!) power imbalance between you,

make communication flow more easily,

and make meltdowns triggered by feeling overwhelmed, alone, and unappreciated,

less frequent.

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Yes, it's initially going to mean that they ask you to help them with EVERYTHING, but that's okay...

because eventually you will be able to fade away some of the hands on support and say,

"I'm a bit tired but I'd love to keep you company while you get that done,"

and they will BELIEVE IT,

because you have shown time and time again that you VALUE THEM regardless of their ability to provide labor.

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We are all worth more the labor we can provide.

Think of the Paris Paloma song, "Too Much Labor."

Every mother feels that song in her bones. SO much is asked of us.

But you know what?

Anxious, ADHD or Autistic or PDA or Traumatized kids, feel it too.... because they are surviving in a world that has been built in direct opposition to their basic needs.

And they often go without ANY accomodations.

So, don't be a 90's sitcom, drill Sargeant parent.

Be a Bluey parent.

Be the one who fills their cup and lives with the knowledge that their children

are INTRINSICALLY valuable

and WORTHY of accomodation.

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Do YOU dislike being PERCEIVED?

Do you try to look busy when someone walks in the room and you were relaxing?

Do you flinch when someone calls your name?

Do you feel like you need to leave a space, if someone else joins you?

Thats trauma.